today im going to blog a post that is actually worth reading.
im going to be honest and say that emotionally, jc has been cruelly hard to me. the first few months was horrendous, because i really didnt feel part of the class. or maybe i just didnt know
how to be part of the class. and to not fit in was a horrible experience, because i had never felt that way before and never believed i could. i cut myself away and tried to return to the familiar, except the familiar was the past and the past was over. and that feeling of being completely isolated was so acute and painful that well, the first few months was really just hell.
it was in those few months that i felt that if i had just rolled over and died nobody would bother enough to care. yes, it was unfair to think that of the friends i had, but at that time the hurt was overwhelming.
things got better in the 3rd term. i guess i have to thank biang, he was the first person to take an active interest in me (besides ro, but ro has been there since the start) without me first slapping him in the face to tell him i exist. he probably wouldnt read this and probably would never know, but i appreciated that, and to perhaps a large extent, now that i look at it, it was all i needed at that time. someone to take the initiative to get to know me, because i was so tired of trying to get people to.
from then on things just got better. i stopped being antisocial, and started to become more like myself and that in turn encouraged people to get to know me. and when the new year arrived, i promised myself, ill stop being someone else.
its difficult, really, being yourself is always hard when youre a teen. but i think ive done a good job so far. geoff says ive become a lot happier since i had storyline, and perhaps its true. i love them because no matter how exclusively hp, no matter how small my role is, and ironically, no matter how dramatic they each are themselves, they treat me like i belong, and they give me the time and chance to be a little dramatic myself. ok maybe a lot dramatic. but im that kind of person, and if you dont give me the chance to stand up and scream, i get claustrophobic and sad.
but this post is not to share with you how upsetting it was, or to blame anybody for anything. this post is to tell you, that right now,
im having the time of my life. yes, im not the closest person to my classmates yet, and everytime i get a card that says "thanks for being such an awesome ct rep you make the class fun" i die a little inside because i know people only write that when its the first thing they associate you with. but its demanding to try to be everyones best friend and ive had a late start getting to know everyone, but i hope, that at the end of the day someone can walk up to me and thank me, for being me. i just need people to give me the chance to let them know me better. and sure, there are always people ill want to get to know better, people i wish i were closer to, but i must always remind myself, again and again, that i already have people who love me, and i must never be frustrated enough to forget them.
why suddenly blog about this? well, lately there have been a lot of posts by people, talking about how life has been so tough on them, about how no one cares about them and vindictively, they will not care about nobody as well. when i read those posts, i could identify. some were about crushes that didnt work out. there are plenty of those in jc, with all its signals and hormones and stress and other things that make people lose their minds and focus. yes, lost crushes are painful, humiliating and very emotionally tiring. but at the end of the day, it ends when it does, and the people who loved you at the start will still be loving you at the end. i count myself lucky i have people like that.
so, in this pre-valentines day post, i want to SHOUT OUT to the people who love me and the people whom i love in return: THANK YOU for being you. and for appreciating me for who i am (: love, jo.
